Happy growing up

Stop wearing shoes that hurt your pinky toe

I’m 25. Recently 25. I feel 38. I feel 38 because of the mountains of animal excrement I’ve had to shovel through in my quarter century. And I don’t even have the biceps to show for all my shovelling. So cheque please. But before I exit the building, here are some nuggets of wisdom.

1. Every year that you celebrate shouldn’t be celebrated if you are just reliving the same mistakes, not growing, slapping band aids on gaping, self-inflicted wounds.

2. If the man you are seeing won’t step up and be the man you need (fuckboy) then respect yourself enough to walk away. Because let’s face it, clocking mileage on your genitalia for an undeserving individual (fuckboy) will only make you feel older and tired and used. But don’t take my word for it, ask Madonna. Don’t ask J Lo though. She’s in her 40s and looks like she baths in the tears of babies.

3. If you hate your job, stop whining about it and start looking for a new one. I’m not saying quit this one unless you’ve been saving (nobody tell you about saving until you want to quit your job, so look into that too). Your friends and family don’t want to hear about your unhappy work life everyday -save that for your work husband. (Mine is in her 30s and a veritable sensei).

4. Stop wearing shoes that hurt your pinky toe. When your are old and grey, all you will have are your feet and liver. And if you consume as much wine as I do, you may very well just have your feet.

5. Be nice to your mother. She was once 25 going on 38. She knows things. It’s like a secret society that knows how to stitch, make a mean pot of oxtail and stay sane in the eye of the hurricane that is womanhood. She also probably knows the power of emotional blackmail.

6. Stay legit with Jesus. And not just for the bad times. Imagine how you would explain things that you don’t understand without Him. All the inexplicable tears and miraculous blessings. There’s a serenity in knowing you aren’t in control.

7. Number 6 also doesn’t mean don’t try be in control-because let’s face it, out twenties are riddled with holes in the plot and miscalculations with dire consequences. Let’s keep our shit together ladies.

Last but not least. Stop looking for advice on the internets. The internets are bad. The internets are filled with crazy women with access to computers and wine. And half the time they post under the influence-don’t let the time stamp fool you. Day drinking is very adult.

Love and pretty pinkies.

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The life and times of a student with student issues

Becky spent an undisclosed amount of money on them and walked out of the store walking on water in anticipation.

This week Becky is looking for a bed. And this is all because Becky used the money her parents sent her for a bed last year to purchase shoes she did not need, but because they were so pretty and whispered to her how fabulous they would look with her black 70 buck dress and about the memories they would make together, Becky spent an undisclosed amount of money on them and walked out of the store walking on water in anticipation.

Of course the shoes delivered. I met a boy and had a ridiculously epic night dancing the night away in an equally epic party spot with an extremely “bad-influence” crowd with whom I’m sure spectacular memories were made (I have little recollection of said epic night). The shoes also left Becky with aching soles but who cares?

This week however Becky finds herself exhausted from pumping an uncooperative airbed every night before visiting la-la land. (I have also developed very attractive biceps from afore mentioned pumping-the single bonus to be gotten from this activity.)

Moving into an unfurnished apartment has left this lady with regrets. Today I spent over 3 hours trolling gumtree searching-to no avail-for an affordable double bed possessing inexplicable stains. It has proven to be the second most tedious task on earth ( after grocery shopping because I’m afraid of supermarkets) and I’m getting very frustrated.

The above information is advice to other shoe-loving reckless spenders about the perils of walking into malls on sale weekends and picking out the most beautiful shoe and swiping for it blindly.

Much love and painless sleep to you all.

Xx

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